MEDIVAC - If a rider suffers from: hernia, epileptic fits, heartburn, morning depression, severe stroke, chapped lips, painful open sores, numbness in the left arm, malaria or chronic bulimia THEN SEND THEM TO MEDIVAC IMMEDIATELY. The over-bike cervical head traction unit will keep your melon cruising at a comfortable zero gravity (because the wet-bag is filled with Steel Reserve High-Gravity malty beverage). MediVac is like a mobile sick-bay that can deal with almost any disease known, so don't worry about that probe... it's there to help you.
REBIKEL 2: TOO RUSTY TOO REYCYCLERIOUS - Jesus Horse™ has this special philosophy: when life hands you a pile of twisted, uselessly fucked up bikes, we say, "Build a second ReBikel." Incredibly enough, this piece handles better than most new bikes on the market. In fact, two years ago, Lance Armstrong narrowly decided to go with a custom Trek, over ReBikel 2. We chalk that loss up to our inexperience in dealing with all-star athletes (during our negotiations, Darren made a crass testicular cancer joke at Lance's expense).
SUPER HAPPY SHORT BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
News Flash: SHSB WAS NABBED DURING THE QUICKENING We're offering the reward of 'not being punched in the face,' to the person who hands over the SHSB. If you see someone, in the Albany Oregon area, with this bike, do them a favor: beat them senseless with a nearby stick and then toss their unconsious body into the river. If we find them before you do, they will be subjected to a wide range of sexually sadistic experiments before being turned over to Uncle Joe. It's an ugly fate, but s/he who taketh the happiest bike in our collection will pay in kind. Actually, if you do see the SHSB, we'd love to know who/when/where. The Bike: Uncomfortably enthusiastic and vertically challenged, Super Happy Short Bike!!!!!!!!! allows the rider to get down in the literal sense. When you need to fly under the radar, the Super Happy Short Bike!!!!!!!! is always a first choice. Low enough to sneak below the view of car's windows, the Super Happy Short Bike!!!!!! can infliltrate, dessimate, confiscate and articulate any imperfection in the road, finding its flaws and exploiting them. Plus, if you go really fast and hit the brakes, you can get the back end to skid out from behind you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TANDY - Dig deep down and remember those teamworking skills you learned at Summer Camp for troubled youth, because Tandy relies on constant teamwork and communication. This bike enables two riders to come together as one and work towards a similar goal. For the upward rider, this goal may be something along the lines of not falling into the shoulder of the road which is filled to the brim with glass shards and used needles. For the posterior rider, this goal may be to utilize his or her free hands to give devil horns to all oncomming offenders.
STEERING WHEEL BIKE - That hackneyed saying, “What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger,” is one way to explain the evolution of this ride. At one time, the bike lived a relatively normal existence, until it was involved in a head on collision with an '84 Ford Mustang. Suffice to say, the Mustang is no longer with us.
MEDIUM GRASSHOPPER - For the rider who says BULLSHIT to all that Tiny Grasshopper rubbish, you can immediately test your skills on this middle of the road chopper bike. Easy enough to score with on a first date, but will continue to peak your interest as the relationship matures.
ROD HAS A PLAN FOR YOU - The pilot of Rod Has a Plan For You takes on the immediate rank of overseer. Positioned high enough to observe the battlefield, yet not too high to still deliver a number of deadly blows. The responisibility and respect that Rod imbues the rider with does not come easily; the fork of Rod Has a Plan For You is near six feet long, and takes up almost half of the bike's weight. This unusual fork-to-bike weight ratio gives Rod Has a Plan For You an aiming problem similar to what you would have if you were a drunken, belligerent, laid-off Hewllett-Packard worker who is trying to to piss accurately at your boss' car door handle. Be ready to attack at an instant on Rod Has a Plan For You, or else you can expect to find yourself passed out on the curb, with pee on your pants and a pending restraining order.
PISS BOTTLE BIKE - The first and only known bike to successfully harness the Piss Bottle Technology. The Piss Bottle Technology originated from careful planning and mixing of several unnamed individuals urine traces. With such technology in place, the pissabilities have become endless; the Piss Bottle can be used as a rocket booster, a fancy peice of decoration for a show-off contest, and can also be unleashed to keep the authorities at bay. Put on your anarchy sweatband you bought out of the Fred Myers quarter-toy machine, and brush up on your Minor Threat lyrics because this puppy will make you feel like youre right back in middle school, when life was made for dangerous decisions like hitting girls with spitwads, and TP'ing your arch-rivals house at 12:30am on a Friday night! Fuckyeah!
TZOMPANTLI - We gave an Aztec scholar a small grant to build this machine. In an effort to praise Huitzilopochtli, Jesus Horse™ MUST make humanoid sacrifices—or suffer the terrible wrath of the Aztec gods. If you are interested in donating your life, please contact us.
THE FELON - This ride truly separates those with ovaries and/or testes from those who lack all capacity for reproduction. If you can ride this chopper bike, you immediately gain the respect of Jesus Horse™ and its subsidiaries.
TRIPLE NIPPLE - Finally opening up to the idea of a threesome, Jesus Horse™ has added a three-person-powered vehicle, The Tripple Nipple! The Tripple Nipple has a chasis welded to the back which allows a ben hurst-style chariot to be easily attached and detatched. The layout is simple, three bikes welded together, with the front ends taken off of the outside two bikes, leaving the inner-most rider the responsibilty of wrecklessly driving. With the responsiblity of driving comes the consequence that evactuation procedures from the Tripple Nipple are incredibly difficult. When faced with an emergency eject situation, the outside two riders (as well as chariot-er) can evacuate cleanly and safely from the ride, while the navigator becomes trapped between two bikes and a steel-frame-chariot harness, and is forced to go down with the ship. A complementary shot of everclear is kept in a bulletproof glass case, to make such moments less painless for the pilot.
THE PINKBOY - The 5th plane of Slack was way out of alignment when we constructed this bike; as a result, it will drain the Slack straight out of the rider. If you're a hard working American, we recommend this bike to you.
THE GIANT SLUMBER PARTY - Nothing can destroy a dedicated squad of slumber partiers—they are backed by the combined powers of caffeinated soda, Ouija, toilet paper, and truth or dare! While one might be able to kill off a few stragglers or early sleepers, there is no chance for a mortal to overpower the might of THE GIANT SLUMBER PARTY.
DEANS TALL BIKE - The oldest bike in the Jesus Horse™ archives, Dean's Tall Bike is the bike for those who long for the golden days when a bike was a bike and a beershank was more than just something used to stab at some drunken bastard who has just ran off with your significant other. The simple handle-bar and seat design will put you right back into a nastalgic time-trap which will have you soon scowering every antique store for western-style trinkets and keepsakes.
THANK YOU FOR REBIKELING - Finally, a bike for the well rounded environmentalist. Forged from the remains of no less than seven bikes, Thank You for Rebikeling combines the sleek, uncomfortable ride of a reverse recumbant design, with socially responsible waste practices. Pre-riding protocol for this bike involves getting stoned, having your friends put dredlocks in your hair, constructing daisy chains, and spacing out to pink floyd. This bike is incredibly sturdy, and can even be surfed upon if the rider is so bold and skilled. Surfing on top of Thank You for Rebikeling gives the rider a perfect opportunity to pull out their bullhorn and start preaching about raised concern for the recent dirty old sleeping bag shortage.
KIDS' TALL BIKE - Designed into the shape similar to what a female cat looks like in heat. The seat is waaaaaaaaay high in the air and the front is low to the ground. Riding this bike is the same as "asking for it," so dont look at us and give us any excuses if something funny happens on the ride. When it comes to ejection situations (voluntary or not) it is a desireable bike, as the low front end will allow a smooth transition from riding as usual, to samaurai ninja exit roll.
HERCYCLES/HER-CYCLES - It is unclear if this bike earned the name Hercycles from its feminine allure, or for its enormity that is comparable to that of a mythological figure, hitler. I mean hercules. The enormous chain is straight outta re-hab and into the counseling room for its previous behavior of eating away at the bike frame itself. After several lawsuits and a few drunken apologies, the chain and bike are back on good terms, but are still taking "time-off" from one another. Hercycles allows the option for a second rider, although the second rider is unequipped with a set of pedals. This bike works great as a dangerous ambulance, for allowing injured rider to sit comfortably, and frighteninly five feet off the ground.
SPRINGY BIKE - Named for its large spring in place of a seat, the Springy Bike allows a fun and bouncy ride. The Springy Seat Technology installed on this ride has not been slated for reproduction for one core reason: Prolonged bouncing and jiggling on the Springy Bike has been shown in laboratories to eat, chaffe, and grind away the crotch/groin section of pants, underwear, and up to the first eight layers of skin (results for foreskin deteriation is still underway). The springy seat may be called more of a curse than a blessing by some, but the rest of the bike is high quality in both its reliability and easy-queasy-beautiful pedaling system. With a small amount of skills, a rider can lean back into the Springy Bike's infamous gangsta-slouch position.
BAR-B-CYCLE - Everyone remebers the great tall-tale story of the Donner Party, where mythical beasts roamed the hot steamy young earth's surface, and a group of native americans had to go coal mining, but then got caved in and had to eat everyone in order for a few people to live, and populate the earth as Adam and Eve. Well, such an instance will never happen with this chopper gang, now that we have the Bar-B-Cycle. Imbued with the ability to roast up to one and a half hamburger patties, or three and two thirds of a hotdog, the Bar-B-Cycle can find the perfect temperature for your meat or fake meat item of choice. Grilling-while-riding, although completely within Jesus Horse™ regulations, is frowned upon, as it can cause the cooking grill to come unfastened, and allow your favorite fleshy treat to become one with the coals. Also, if you ever wreck on this bike, its like a big firey firework but with a lot of meat! Try this at home!
SILVER FISH - This bike is really not one to be reckoned with. The Silver Fish is fully versed in aquatic, sub- and regular-type-terrestrial movement, which enhances the riders banshee attack skills fivefold. Custom painted with a silver hue, and struck by lightning on top of a magical tuff of hilly hillscape, the Silver Fish is one of the oldest, and most brutal rides to see the streets of Albany, Oregon. Curbs: no problem. Chian linked fences melt like peanut butter on a peice of toasted bagel. This bike loves to be ignored all the while hating its social anxiety problem. With the Silver Fish's uncontrollable angst, you will be able to explore a slew of places that you previously thought were unreachable.
HOLY ROLLER - Inspired from repeated listenings of pre-recorded Pat Roberson sermons, this bike is fueled from the heavens above. Equipped with numerous peices of religious paraphenalia: the hand of god, an incense burner, a donations basket, and a double-tape-deck boom-box which provides fellow brothers and sisters with a religious-oriented soundtrack that is good for crusading to. The most skilled of riders can repeat verses from scriptures, and flail an insence numb-chuck while giving grace and praise for the almighty plan of Rod.
TRAFFIC LIGHT BIKE - When the votes are in and fraudulated; when the courts stop to give us the finger and a five year sentence; when the man just keeps us down too long; we pull out the Traffic Light Bike. With the Traffic Light Technology, we are able to take traffic signaling into our own hands, and therefore control the flow of both civilian and military movement. On this bike, green means go, red means stop, and yellow means a mix between orange and tan colors.